Apologies

This is a fairly new blog with low readership, so I don’t really know why I am doing this either. I did intend to update fairly regularly, but things have not been too good on my side. In fact, I’m going through a really rough patch right now.

Last week, I overreacted to my girlfriend, and although I was very upset at that moment, I was alright the next day. So the first thing I did was to apologise, and I asked her not to ignore me. Very early on we’ve already established that we shouldn’t ignore each other in a conflict – it’s simply immature and I really saw her as the girl I wanted to settle down with. For one reason or another she refused to respond, and I waited until past midnight for her, by which time my patience was really wearing thin. I’m really big on communication and promises, so it was getting somewhat annoying that she didn’t respond.

I continued waiting well into the 2nd day, which then stretched on to the third, and forth and so on. I sent her sms-es, saying I really had enough and I wouldn’t sms her anymore, but I still did. First, to tell her of a blog post. And second, to tell her of a starbucks discount that happens monthly where I work, because I remembered she was sad I left her out of the December one. No response.

I continued going through the entire week, doing things like Night Cycling with the Youth Exec Committee gang, altering pants, passing by shops while thinking all the time, “how nice it’d be if she…” or “Oh there are so many elderly people, she’d sure like this place”. Still, no response. On saturday itself, we were supposed to meet, having not met for the whole of January. That saturday came and went without so much as a response from her either. I started to wonder if something untoward had happened to her, and then on sunday I saw her online for the first time at night.

I was filled with incandescent rage. Anger, that she chose to forget all the promises we made together. Anger, that in her pettiness she chose to forgo that one meeting that would have made January bearable. Anger, that she chose to selfishly hurt others through her silence, and instantly forget every single milestone in our relationship. I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t tolerate the fact that she would willingly shut off all communication channels, without so much as to allow an apology, or a chat, to heal the relationship, to move this relationship forward. My heart was filled with much rage and disgust.

Just this morning, I finally broke my silence yet again and sent her an email, noting that my blog has not been read since I told her about it. Even there, a chance for me to bare my soul, tell my side of the story, was denied. And I made it clear: I won’t stand for it, and I will not forgive her, if forgiving simply meant her saying sorry and continuing her old, selfish ways. I also made it clear too, that beyond a certain point, I will not take the ignorance anymore, and I shall move on. I have to. Would you ignore your boyfriend for months on a whim and expect everything to be lovey-dovey once more on a random lazy sunday afternoon?

I met H for coffee in the afternoon, and told her about the incident because I was so frustrated. Besides being chided for unkempt appearance, she basically told me I should just move on; if I wanted to make something out of my life, relationships weren’t a luxury I could afford. I should be thinking about how to finance my education, where to go how to make it etc. If I settled down too early I’d just be tying myself down and limiting my options and possibilities. She also said I shouldn’t have apologised because there is nothing to apologise for; there is only so much dignity you can throw away.

I thought at that moment that perhaps she has a very skewed way of seeing relationships, and didn’t tell her that very early on I told my girlfriend about all this, and said I was prepared to cut off those options if it meant being with her.

Later that night, I had a social gathering at toastmasters, and kept checking my email to see if she’d replied. I went over to Karaoke with the gang and went online while the sessions went on. I saw her online and finally, I threw away said dignity and broke the silence, once more. I was still angry, because no matter what, I kept taking the initiative, and I asked, after all those smses, blog posts (which she didn’t read at all) and finally email and now msn, you’re still not bothered to even care about it? I waited 15 minutes only to see no response.

I got the message very, very well.

My dignity trashed in an instant, I returned to the karaoke session. This is it then. That, because of one singular little insignificant event that I was ready to apologise for and learn from the mistake to become better, I am now forever barred from the opportunity of even speaking to her. All the dinners, the letters, the visits to my house, the outings with my mother, the mementos of love and all my other instances in which I put her above everyone else, it just couldn’t compare to that single incident in which I overreacted. I’m too worthless to apologise. I’m too worthless to even communicate with her.

I hate that I have to move on if she still doesn’t reply by a set number of days I have in my heart. I hate that we’ll soon be breaking up because of a trivial matter. I hate that she is so selfish she can’t even bring herself to understand what love means and what relationships need. I hate that for the past week I kept opening my msn window to see if she was online. I hate that I threw away all my dignity to text, blog and email and finally message her and she doesn’t give a flying f***. I hate that I keep thinking about her when I encounter good things I want to share. I hate that I went down to MCYS to collect 4 movie tickets to a movie that actually screens tomorrow, hoping that she might actually turn up. I hate that I think about her so much and ditch all my friends to keep a weekend free for her.

And I hate that even now, I still care enough to blog about this, that I still love her.

Regular postings will resume next week…I’ll endeavour to make this the first and last emo post anyone will read here. Tentatively I’m thinking of a update every tues/fri or wed/sat. Shall keep you guys posted. Take care, and till next time, tell your significant other how much s/he means to you.

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One Response to Apologies

  1. CK says:

    Dear KH, your friend H is right, please move on. To persist on getting back to someone so immature is a waste of time. Though we know its difficult to forget someone we had once loved…well on the bright side…you are consistent in posting up your blogs 🙂 I used to have one until they switched to WordPress then I guessed I am lazy 😛 I learned somthing here today…persistent…consistent…Thank you! 🙂

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